Dear self ( Myself/ Yourself),
On top of the continuous wave of college guys ( not all but many ) openly and negatively judging the way a girl’s body looks I got a comment that made me really look at myself, and not in a good way at first. I was told by a guy (without asking mind you) that I’m “not as hot as I used to be because I have put on a few pounds.” WOW - That damaged my self-esteem for a good second. When I got home that day I looked in the mirror and started pulling at my stomach and picking my body apart - thinking about the weight he mentioned and my downward spiral of “hotness.” I almost felt like I needed to apologize for not being up to this guy’s standards, for not being up to society’s standards.
Since when did not being “skinny enough” correlate with me not being good enough, smart enough, pretty enough or worthy enough? I don’t know, actually never, but for a second those things sure felt like they went hand-in-hand. When I heard these demeaning words from a guy I had always considered a friend, or whenever I hear people malevolently pick apart someone’s appearance, it seemed to validate this sick twisted thought that had once lurked in the dark corners of my mind. The thought that I’m not worthy of love, happiness, greatness or of this world because I don’t look like Gigi Hadid or Miranda Kerr. After realizing how stupid I was to give this ignorant boy’s (or anyone’s) words power over me I literally laughed out loud - yea, that thing you always type, but never ACTUALLY do.
Was I really throwing a pity party for myself? There is no way in hell that I’m going to let one comment, made by such a shallow boy, affect me in any volume.
I KNOW I’m beautiful and worthy; my friends, family and Lord know it too and that’s all that really matters. The fact that I ever associated such negative, degrading thoughts with the number on the band of my pants, which were still the same ones I was wearing when I was “hotter than I am now” according to a misinformed male, is absolutely disgusting and against everything I want to stand for and everything I believe in.
Society’s standards and the standard to be perfect are complete bullshit. I’m Beautiful inside and out even though I’m not a specific, small, runway model, celebrity photoshopped sized bod. I’m going to look deeper into myself the next time I begin to obsess over something so trivial. I have a million more substantive things to do, enriching places to explore and remarkable people to meet - not time to be mean and judging of myself or others. I’ve gained a few pounds - SO WHAT - I’ll probably never look the way I did when I was 17, most people won’t and that’s totally normal -- we’re not children anymore. I’ve grown into a woman, a curvy beautiful woman and I’m not going to apologize for it and no one else should either. I’m never going to starve myself to look “skinny” like the magazines portray. For the most part I eat pretty healthy, but I treat myself once in awhile. And who are we kidding, I’m not giving up pizza anytime soon #AllThePizza. Instead of perceiving thin as beautiful we should start recognizing healthy and happy at ALL sizes as beautiful. If the way you look stops someone from loving you, or makes them think less of you, you don’t need their negative vibes in your life --- cut them out. No matter what the number on the scale says I am beautiful and YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! We need to stop judging ourselves and quit judging others. Chances are I’ll never be a size two and I am working on being 100% confident and OKAY with that! First off, not everyone was made to be a size zero. You have to accept the fact that we were all made differently and STOP thinking different is bad. In diversity comes abundant beauty and strength. I have boobs and curves and instead of looking at my “flaws” I’m learning to embrace and love them day-by-day. Flaws are the individual specialties in us!
Self-love is louder than the pressure to be perfect. We get so damn wrapped up in being pretty (according to standards set by our culture). Let's be pretty kind, pretty smart, pretty strong. To all the shallow, superficial college boys who think they own the right to criticize someone else's outer appearance , looks aren’t everything, they fade and I hope that you can start to judge people by the kind of person they exemplify, even better maybe you should start judging the type of person YOU are for thinking looks have more value than substance and if you’re lacking the self-esteem and confidence in yourself then you too must remember you are special, you are handsome and you are more than enough.
A beautiful size strong